Got No Mo’ Money Guide…funny stuff…sit down while reading caution comedy for every one including your mother-in-law

Got No Money Guide to Home Decorating
Copyright 2008, 2007, 1992 Cricket Diane C Phillips
Genius is to be Resourceful, ingenious, daring, creative and let go of the confounded limitations in propriety cricket quote from 1999

*When you got no money it’s not the same as being poor. Poor is a state of mind. Got no money is a fact.

*A trail of stars:
Camping under the stars – Glow in the dark stars on every ceiling is easier than camping –
no bugs, no rain, real beds and the keys don’t get locked in the car.

* With a nature sounds recording – you’ll think you’re in the woods till your ex-mother-in-law comes over.

*The best way to approach decorating when there is no money is to choose a color scheme and really stick with it. One of our favorites is cardboard brown, grey and glow in the dark.

* You know houseplants are just fast growing weeds with a pot stuck under them.

* Houseplants are easier to hang than bankers but not near as much fun to watch.

* For 99 cents , you can glo-in-the-dark anything. Who needs fancy emergency lights and a generator for a storm? Put enough glo-in-the-dark paint around and you can’t tell the difference.

* We glo-in-the-dark everything. We can find our shoes in the dark, our stove in the dark, my husband’s privates in the dark.

* Don’t say anything to my husband about the glo-in-the-dark privates thing. He never looks down at himself and I haven’t told him.

* Plastic flowers in the window boxes were a great idea from a friend of mine, but we couldn’t afford them. So, we put that idea with another problem we kept having and now our windows have really great dirty socks on a stick in the boxes. From the street, you can’t tell anyway.

*No, they don’t glo-in-the-dark. But, we could do that . . .

*My husband keeps asking what happened to all his socks. So you think I should tell him? He can’t divorce me. We don’t have any money.

* I started to wallpaper the bathroom with legal papers. The government is the only one that can afford paper. They sent a tone of it to our house. Surely it could be a decorating element. You can’t wipe with it.

* Maps are great wallpaper. I saw it done in a book once. The book picture showed a great room wallpapered in maps. Of course, they could afford mahogany shelving to accent them. Wonder if the effect would be the same with fake fur and stucco? I’ve seen cars done that way.

* We like textural finishes. We have a friend that finishes houses and gives us the ends of the buckets. Do you know what ceiling mud does when its left in the bottom of the bucket too long? Yes, it does make a nice wall sculpture, doesn’t it? A little glow-in-the-dark paint and hope it doesn’t fall on anybody . . .

* Never plaster a toilet. Toilets do no lend themselves to great decorating ideas.

* We had four custom wheels in our basement which fit not any car we could ever afford. We had a small square coffee table where we ate with no stools. Now, we have four industro-fashion fifty dollar a piece fully functional, modular seating units which fit securely under the butt.

* Butt is not a fashion decorating word but it is a priority element of decorating. What you do with butts makes all the difference in decorating. Cheap seats are hard seats. Can’t afford them anyway. And no money butts are hard, scrawny, boney butts. Hard seats won’t do. You’ll have to keep a crowbar on the wall to pry the seats from the butts. Isn’t that special? Early American . . .

* If birthday streamers, banners, balloons, Christmas and New Year’s decorations are left up long enough, they become decorating elements automatically. People stop asking whose birthday it is about the second month they are still up.

Got No Money Guide To Home Decorating –

* Fashion decorating has a lot of important concepts to remember. Rustic means you bring the sticks inside the house and Euro-rustic means to leave the sticks outside but bring the tree in the house.

* Early American and primitive means you hang all the rusty tools on the wall as a fashion accent. Poor means you’re still using them everyday.

* Danish modern means everything is made out of the wood your grandma said wasn’t good for nothing and polishing it.

* All other modern/contemporary means all the furniture is white because they can afford to hire somebody to keep it clean and their children puke on art canvas instead of the couch.

* They might not call it a couch. When you got no money, it doesn’t much matter what you call it. It does help to be able to sit down on it.

* Keeping the important things in mind when decorating with no money is critical. With $500 to buy designer sheets, who could sleep? I’d lay awake all night trying to spend that much money. I sure couldn’t sleep on it.

* Another important thing to consider about decorating is what paid people think. The paid people from the government that have to come visit every week probably won’t understand why you just don’t go buy new stuff anyway. We got no money is not their problem. We’re paying them.

* Glue and scotch tape are the magic tools of the got no money decorator. What you can’t glue or tape, you don’t need to be doing and can’t afford. Anything that has to be propped up to be any good needs a good brick. These are the basic elements of good design with no money.

* If you can tack it on the wall – don’t waste any nails on it. If you can stickey tack it on – don’t waste any tacks on it. This is a hardware concept – you don’t have to waste a lot of time fighting with it.

* By the way – the Early American thing – don’t use tacks. Those old rusty hand saws just will not stay. This is called an active environment risk.

* Children’s rooms are almost cheating because they are so easy to decorate with no money. We dump the box of their toys out in the middle of the floor and call it, child development access area. Takes all the work out of it.

* There is no such thing as broken – has to be thrown away when you have no money. Old dishwasher handlebar got broke – it becomes a new bicycle pedal. Shelf got broke because child was using it for free-form dexterity test – it becomes a scraper to take the plaster off the toilet.

* Everything can be incorporated into a thorough, well-planned decorating scheme. You know how stiff blue jeans get when they have been worn three weeks without being washed? If they can just hold up this one tabletop . . .

Got No Money Guide To Home Decorating 2007

* It doesn’t take a genius to understand home decorating. It isn’t rocket science but to do rocket science is easier when you got no money than home decorating.

* That’s because there’s more manure in the world for blowing things slap to the moon than there are fine and fancy things for no money to use for decorating.

* I wouldn’t get too caught up in that, though. What can be done with $200 a yard fabric can always be done with other stuff given a freer sense of what’s what.

* Sheets can be used as curtains, if you don’t mind everywhere in your house looking like your bedroom.

* Yards and yards of fabric can be bought for $1.00 a yard or even 50 cents a yard that you wouldn’t want to use to line the floor of a doghouse, but given enough of it – there’s something Architectural Digest would be proud to display.

* It can always glow-in-the-dark with a little spray paint or poofs from t-shirt paint pods to make stars and planets or even fancy flow in the dark florals.

* Sparkle and spatter – these are some of the great terms of got no money decorating. If you can’t sparkle it, I would be surprised.

* Do not use spray adhesive to fling glitter on curtains for sparkle. After about six months, the dust in the air collects on them which gives a whole new meaning to the term textured.

* If you want spatter effects, this is easy enough given just about anything with color including kool-aid. You won’t learn this at kid’s school but do not do spatter effects with children around to see it being done. Their little minds are not going to think limited use in a decorating scheme on this.

* Spatter paint and glitter on sofa pillows are nice effects and some have been done to cover an entire couch, chair or wall. This does not work well with absolutely every paint in existence. I know by experience. The nice little acrylic paints leave hard poke into you spots when dry that don’t allow you to ever get comfortable on the same couch again.

* Do not assume that dust will not show up as much on dark surfaces. This is the same dust that looks darn well yucky everywhere else with its dark little greyed out lint but on dark fabrics, walls or furniture – it is bright enough to have its own zipcode.